Last Advent I was seven months pregnant. Maybe I was too self-absorbed at the time focusing on my numerous pregnancy ailments, but I did not take time to reflect on that unique moment in my life as the advent of my son and the advent of Mary’s son coincided. I simply wanted the end of my pregnancy to come, and the beginning of our life as a family of three to begin. Even as I neglected the opportunity to experience Advent in a particular way last year, I am better prepared to experience it more deeply this year because now I know the value of waiting, of enduring, of anticipation.
This year I will wait during this season quietly and patiently with Mary, not because we share the same physical state of pregnancy, but because I know what awaits us on the other side. I am joining her as one who has already experienced the pain and ultimate joy of birth. I will wait with her full of hope because I know what is on the other side. Redemption.
I loved dinosaurs growing up. When someone would offer to read me a story, I would pick out my dinosaur encyclopedia. I wore boys’ dinosaur pajamas and my first dream job was to be a paleontologist. But at some point in elementary school, whether due to someone’s comments or just general Bible Belt culture, tension developed between my love of dinosaurs and my faith. I became aware that many people around me did not believe in certain theories or facts about dinosaurs that I did. They did not believe the earth was 65 million years old, that the Big Bang may have happened, or that humans did not exist until millions of years after the dinosaurs became extinct. They cited as evidence for their disbelief the creation account in Genesis. I, wanting to be a good Christian, decided that I had to choose between my faith and my love of dinosaurs and science. I gave up my dream of becoming a paleontologist, became afraid of science that challenged my faith, and accepted (or at least told myself that I did) the belief that Genesis was to be interpreted literally.
It was not until college that I was freed from this debilitating approach to science and faith. During a difficult spiritual season my first year of college, I read C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity. It amazed me how reasonable this Christian seemed! In fact, he appealed to reason in his book to show the reality of Christianity. He had sincere faith, but it was also an informed faith. I soon found out, unsurprisingly, he did not adhere to a literal interpretation of Genesis. I decided that if a man of faith like C.S. Lewis could be a proponent of both faith and science, so could I. I became a secret theistic evolutionist. Seriously, I was scared to tell anyone! Gradually, I became more open about my beliefs when asked, but I still felt as though some people didn’t think I had faith as sincere as theirs because of my beliefs. The struggle for peace in this area of my life continued and ended up playing a significant role in my journey to the Catholic Church.
I recently wrote about my struggles with truth and my eventual conversion to Catholicism. My conversion helped me finally reconcile my intellect and my faith. I wanted so badly to be a follower of Jesus, but it seemed like I had to shove parts of who I was aside to do so. But as I wrestled with this, something was becoming apparent to me. Sacrifice involves the end or death of something. Surrender involves a cease in resistance and submission to authority. God didn’t want me to sacrifice my reason and my intellect to follow him. All he wanted was for me to surrender my reason and intellect it to him! I had falsely believed religious truth was simply spiritual and did not involve the physical (see Hebrews 11:1). This meant I had to accept all aspects of faith without help, guideposts, signs, or evidence. How wrong I was! Evidence of his glory and his presence are all around us in nature and in science. In fact, creation is supposed to aid us in our discovery of the divine (see Romans 1:20). He created all matter, therefore, he actually created science. He would never allow us to discover things in his creation that contradict him. Our perceptions about him may be expanded, but his ultimate purpose, his glory, will never be thwarted. For example, Genesis teaches us that God was not created but is the creator of the heavens and the earth. I believe this truth is Genesis’ primary purpose. It is meant to give us spiritual and even historical insight but not necessarily scientific insight. It is important to note that when Genesis was written thousands of years ago, the authors did not have the scientific knowledge we do now. Evolution gives insight into the processes God used. It does not make Genesis any less important. Actually, Genesis fills in gaps that science can never fill. Science will never be able to prove how something came from nothing, but Genesis tells us about an infinite, uncreated being. See how beautifully science and faith can complement each other when they are not seen as contradictory!
All of the earth proclaims God’s glory, the processes and the products of creation. If we knew everything about God, we wouldn’t need him. But how great a grace he grants those with a doubting heart like mine when he gives us glimpses of his glory through science. It is a shame I wasted years not giving him glory for all of the good in his creation. So, today, I praise him for the dinosaurs.
“Though faith is above reason, there can never be any real discrepancy between faith and reason. Since the same God who reveals mysteries and infuses faith has bestowed the light of reason on the human mind, God cannot deny himself, nor can truth ever contradict truth. Consequently, methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific manner and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God. The humble and persevering investigator of the secrets of nature is being led, as it were, by the hand of God in spite of himself, for it is God, the conserver of all things, who made them what they are.” Catechism of the Catholic Church, 159.
P.S. I would like to make it clear that my family never pushed me in either direction concerning the two interpretations of Genesis. My decision as a kid to reject some parts of science was due to other religious and educational influences.
It has been almost two years since my last post. What a wild two years! Reece and I were married, I graduated from WCU, and we entered the Catholic Church. As you can see, blogging was pushed to the side for good reason, but hopefully I can get back into posting more regularly. Although I did not originally write this to post on here, I decided to anyway because it is about such an important part of my life now.
Acts 8:26-40 RSV
26 But an angel of the Lord said to Philip, “Rise and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza.” This is a desert road. 27 And he rose and went. And behold, an Ethiopian, a eunuch, a minister of the Can’dace, queen of the Ethiopians, in charge of all her treasure, had come to Jerusalem to worship 28 and was returning; seated in his chariot, he was reading the prophet Isaiah. 29 And the Spirit said to Philip, “Go up and join this chariot.” 30 So Philip ran to him, and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet, and asked, “Do you understand what you are reading?” 31 And he said, “How can I, unless someone guides me?” And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. 32 Now the passage of the scripture which he was reading was this: “As a sheep led to the slaughter or a lamb before its shearer is dumb, so he opens not his mouth. 33 In his humiliation justice was denied him. Who can describe his generation? For his life is taken up from the earth.” 34 And the eunuch said to Philip, “About whom, pray, does the prophet say this, about himself or about someone else?”35 Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning with this scripture he told him the good news of Jesus. 36 And as they went along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, “See, here is water! What is to prevent my being baptized?”37 * [No text] 38 And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. 39 And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord caught up Philip; and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. 40 But Philip was found at Azo’tus, and passing on he preached the gospel to all the towns till he came to Caesare’a.
I never imagined as a twenty-two year old, American, married, and now Catholic girl I would be able to identify so closely with a first century Ethiopian eunuch. I was raised in a wonderful and faithful Methodist family, however, in high school I began church hopping, or, more appropriately, denomination hopping. I cannot think of the reason I began to visit other churches other than the fact that almost none of my friends were Methodist. Most of my friends were either Baptist or Pentecostal. I continued this pattern when I began college, but this flaky approach to church would prove unable to handle the spiritual problems I was about to encounter. Almost immediately after I began college in 2012, I, too, began asking the Ethiopian’s question, “How can I understand unless someone guides me?” As all my beliefs were challenged in my classes and by new friends, I became overwhelmed by my inability to deeply understand Scripture. Simple truths in scripture were plain to me, such as the Christian’s call to remain joyful and content in all circumstances; however, when deep theological questions would arise in my life such as “Are works necessary for salvation?” or “Is infant baptism valid?” I felt woefully incapable of reaching a definitive answer.
Many questions I asked seemed to have multiple answers. For example, in one passage Paul tells us it is by faith we are saved, yet in another James tells us we are not saved by faith alone (see Ephesians 2:8 and James 2:24). I did not just feel I had inadequate knowledge and wisdom to correctly interpret scripture. I knew my tools were inadequate. So, I reached out and engaged in conversations with Protestant leaders I respected on different topics like baptism, salvation, and the Holy Spirit. Instead of helping, these conversations further confused me. These men and women of faith all provided me with different answers, and they all supported their claims with Scripture. They insisted their versions of doctrine were true, but also told me that the other people I had discussed these matters with, even those who differed, were saved because they believed in Jesus.
My confusion turned into despair. None of the Protestant denominations I had grown up attending seemed to be able to give answers that satisfied me. I didn’t really even know what all my questions were, but something about my faith was not clicking. I would read texts such as “the spirit is not the author of confusion,” ( see 1 Corinthians 14:33) and since I was clearly deeply confused, I concluded I must not have the Holy Spirit. Furthermore, I reasoned if I did not have the Holy Spirit, I could not be saved. My doubts were coupled with a tendency towards relativism. I tried to convince myself these questions I asked did not matter as long as I knew Jesus. If I knew Jesus, then I was OK because all other questions about baptism, authority, and church structure were secondary. This line of thinking did not comfort me in the end because many of the questions directly related to the basic question of who is and isn’t saved. This led to doubts of even the existence of God. I frequently felt depressed and as if any effort to grow in my faith was useless because I couldn’t be sure I was going about it the correct way. I gave up on truth.
My faith was being severely tested and my thoughts became borderline agnostic. I rarely went to church, and when I did, it felt like emotional torture. Up until this point in my life I was like the Ethiopian eunuch struggling to understand with only a book to guide me. Then, as the Lord sent Phillip to the eunuch, he sent a messenger to me in the form of a history professor during the fall semester of 2013. This man was not only a brilliant professor but a very godly man. One day, without ever mentioning his own personal faith, he gave a lecture about the pursuit of truth and how it has been lost as the main pursuit in academic circles. He provided the class with his explanation for why relativism has progressed so quickly in the past five hundred years, the Protestant Reformation.
Until the fifteenth century, most people in Europe, and especially Christians in Western Europe, believed Truth existed and that Truth resided in the Church. There was no question of which church, or which doctrine was true because there was only one church in Western Europe, the Catholic Church. Many of the clergy in Germany during the fifteenth century had become corrupt, and the Church in Germany was badly in need of reform. A monk named Martin Luther took it upon himself to begin this reform. His initial goal was simply reform, not separation from the Catholic Church. However, as Luther’s campaign for reform gained power, it quickly became a protest against the Catholic Church as a whole, rather than the corrupt individuals. Luther decided to reject the Catholic Church’s authority, but he needed to replace it with a new source of authority, leading him to declare an already authoritative source, the Bible, as his sole authority in matters of faith. However, by doing this, Luther made himself rather than the Bible his sole authority in matters of faith. This is because the Bible must be interpreted. Otherwise, the Bible is simply literature. Someone or something must give it meaning. So, in this manner Luther became his own authority on matters of faith. This doctrine of sola scriptura or “scripture alone” quickly crumbled as Luther’s followers realized what this new doctrine actually meant. If each individual reader is responsible for deciding what scripture means, and if he or she interprets it differently than Luther, then that reader is not bound to follow Luther. Consequently, this first split has resulted in tens of thousands of new denominations and interpretations of which I found myself sorting through attempting to determine which could tell me how to be a true disciple of Jesus.
After class, I visited this professor and explained to him my distress over the Bible and distress over my faith in general. I explained to him I believed in Jesus, but I didn’t know why I believed the Bible was the way to Jesus other than my parents and pastor told me so. I then heard for the first time the story of the formation of the Church and the subsequent formation of the canon of scripture. I began to see how difficult it is to understand scripture apart from this context, hence my difficulty in understanding the Bible. When Christ came, he established the Church. He never instructed his followers to write a New Testament or even mentioned a Bible. So why do we have one? More importantly, why do we believe it is the inspired word of God or even the correct books? The Church decided we needed one and Jesus gave the church authority. And with this authority and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the church compiled the canon of Scripture we have today. If the church didn’t have the authority from God to do so, then the Bible cannot be trusted. But God did give authority. Therefore, if one accepts the authority of scripture, one must accept the authority of the Church. The question then is which church? Only one church existed when the Bible was compiled, the universal, or Catholic Church.
After this meeting, I resumed my search for truth. I felt for awhile that seeking truth sounded rather arrogant. But I simply desired to seek the Lord and know his will. He told his disciples the Holy Spirit would guide them into all truth ( see John 16:13). So, I went looking for it, all of it. It seems that Jesus cares a great deal that we should not live in confusion like I did, but with hope, faith, and love. I had known the most essential truth- Jesus is my Savior, but that couldn’t have been the whole truth. Jesus didn’t just come to give me a ticket to heaven but to make me holy and help others to become holy so we can help his kingdom come on earth. I needed to know how to do that. I wanted to know where and what Christ’s church really was and after a year long period of study with the campus minister, I discovered it was the Catholic Church. My decision to become Catholic was as simple as deciding I believed the Catholic Church had the authority to help me understand what it is Christ desires for me to do. Of course I had reservations about topics like Purgatory, Mary, the saints, and confession, but ultimately it didn’t matter because I now believe the Catholic Church has the authority to decide what the truth is on those matters. Although the issue of authority first led me to inquire about the Catholic Church, further study of the other teachings I had originally been so confused about, like baptism and the relationship between works and faith, revealed answers that not only spoke to me spiritually but also set me at ease intellectually.
This quest was uncomfortable for me and also those around me, particularly my husband who was my fiancé at the time. But I was spurred onward in my quest by one of my heroes C.S. Lewis: “If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” I had experienced the despair of possessing little to no truth. I was comforted after three years of searching when I entered into the Catholic Church on November 22, 2015 with my husband, Reece. I was comforted spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. That day, I found the Lord in bread and wine. In this way, even an illiterate person, who may never have seen a Bible, can encounter the Lord. He has healed my soul, and like the Ethiopian I go along my way rejoicing.